Several Ways To Die Trying
by Dezy-X29
Summary: A sometimes flippant, sometimes serious tale revolving around our favorite blue-eyed, blond-haired dumb*** and his harebrained, if somewhat enigmatic sensei. AU, Genfic. Time travel. Rated 'M' for descriptive violence and, er, 'descriptive' language.


Several Ways To Die Trying,

By Dezy-X29

**Chapter One: **_The Nine Banners of Hell_

_(in which the author secretly wonders if she should have made this a prologue instead...)_

* * *

_Insane._ The dark man sighed. _You're insane._

_Insane?_ The light man smirked. _Insane like a fox._

The dark man twitched. _You idiot. It's _crazy. Crazy_ like a fox._

_That too. _The light one agreed, and then added for good measure. _You asshat_.

* * *

The first rays of the morning sun peered through the dirty, unwashed windows of Naruto's apartment with childlike curiosity. Or well, they would have if it weren't for the blinds, and in one case, a towel pinned to the wall with a few well placed, if rusty, kunai knives. These trusty barriers kept sunshine and all but the most determined peeping toms at bay, any day and hour of the week, just as they had been doing for the past six years. 

Six years was a long time without sunshine and you can call Naruto paranoid if you want to, but really, if _you_ were in the middle of taking a crap and _you_ looked out the window to find an ANBU looking right back, well, let's just say there probably wouldn't be much sunshine left in your house after that either.

And besides, cheerful little rays of sunshine just weren't suited to Naruto's mood these past few days, or well, _years_. Even if it was his birthday.

Confused? Let's recap. Twenty-three years ago, a nine-tailed fox appeared and rained fire and misery out of it's ass like a broken piñata full of doom, and was promptly sealed into the belly of a newborn baby boy named Naruto. The rest, as they say, is equally shitty for the poor kid; He grows up unwanted, is betrayed by his all-but-blood brother, and is damned to a wheelchair for the rest of his life after the Akatsuki gave him the abortion from hell.

That's right. The fox, and all the feeling in his legs from the waist down, was gone, and his career as a ninja followed it like a deranged Sasuke fangirl.

What remained was little more than an echo. A sanguine, smiling voice in the back of his mind that reminded him of the fox, but belonged entirely to him, demonic as it was. It was with this self he contemplated his current status as a twenty-three year old, and his thoughts were understandably bitter.

He was not alone in this, on this particular day. For the village remembered too, and mourned for the mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and children lost to them all those years ago. Minato Namikaze was left his fair share of flowers at the Hokage monument, as well as a single unmarked brown paper bag full of dog shit. Naruto cheered up a bit at the thought.

Brightening, he also took a moment to admire his new table centerpiece, a rather stunning and lovely arrangement of roses. Best birthday present he'd ever got from the Fourth Hokage, in his opinion. And yes, it was a birthday present, even if he'd _–ah-_ helped himself to it from said Hokage's grave. Naruto chuckled into his coffee.

Abruptly, the floorboards behind the crippled blond gave an almighty creak, and Naruto smirked to himself as his ears caught the whispered curse that followed this disturbance. Apparently, the ANBU arriving in was less than pleased with his own less-than-stealthy approach. "The game is up, Konohamaru." He said in an offhand fashion, before taking a quiet sip from his drink. "I sensed you a minute before your little fuck-up anyway."

There was noticeable tension in the air as the ANBU stiffened at being addressed, before the young man eased out of the shadows, chuckling, and the atmosphere softened with the sound accordingly. The eagle-masked ninja circled around to face Naruto, and sat himself on the opposite side of the small kitchen table, his pearly armor reflecting dully in the dim, artificial light of the overhead lamp. "It's good to see you in such high spirits, Brother." Konohamaru said, his dark brown eyes taking on an inquiring look through the slits in his mask, as they first observed Naruto's smiling face and then the pitcher full of ill-gained flowers standing proud on the table.

Naruto took the subtle inquiry as a threat. "Worry about yourself, Kid. You're still about as fucking stealthy as you were when you trailed me around as a square rock."

Instead of being insulted, Konohamaru grinned as he slipped off his ANBU mask and set it on the table by the pitcher. He flashed Naruto a quick grin and with a small, dramatic flourish of his hand, pulled a small scroll from his gear. "Yeah, yeah," Konohamaru mouthed, "Just take this and leave my wounded pride in peace."

"What is it?" Naruto asked as he took the scroll.

Konohamaru smirked. "A birthday present from the Hokage."

"Oh?" Naruto cracked open the wax seal and scanned the contents of the scroll, his brow furrowing first in confusion, then in rage as he neared the end. "That bastard." He seethed, looking from the parting signature on the scroll, to Konohamaru. "Do you know anything about this?" He asked, his voice dangerously low.

Konohamaru shook his head to the negative and put his hands up in a placating manner. "I'm just the messenger, alright? I get the scroll, I jump from roof to roof, and I deliver. If it's not here in thirty minutes, it's free."

Naruto glared at him, but felt his anger from the missive abating as his curiosity tugged. He took the bait. "Free? I don't pay you anything anyways."

"Ah, but the Hokage does, see? He figures that if I don't get the message here in a 'timely fashion' he doesn't have to pay me. That bastard; it was one time… ONE FRICKIN' TIME! And-"

Naruto cut him off, somewhat amused and somewhat irritated at Konohamaru's bitching. "Holy crap, Konohamaru; you know, for an eagle you sure squawk like a fat fuckin' chicken."

Konohamaru rolled his eyes but took the hint, if grudgingly. "So what was in the scroll then? Is he throwing you a surprise party?"

Naruto stared at him, and asked, seriously. "Are you retarded?"

Konohamaru reached for Naruto's forgotten coffee and argued his case. "No, no! Think about it. You and him are on good terms, right? And it is your birthday. So I think that's a perfectly good assumption on my part!"

"I'll take that as a definite _yes_ then." Naruto said. "Konohamaru, why the _hell_ would anyone send someone a _scroll _telling them about a _surprise_ party? Hmmm?"

Konohamaru took a big swig of coffee, only to recoil in horror, open his mouth, and spit it back out into the cup. Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose, the anger from before returning full force, as Konohamaru adamantly labeled his own dismay. "Eurgh! What the hell is this crap? It's _disgusting_!"

"Coffee." Naruto ground out. "It's coffee, dumbass."

"I know that, dickhead." Snarled Konohamaru growing fed up with Naruto's mood swings. "But why are you drinking it _black_? It's disgusting." He repeated.

"I could say the same thing about your mom." Naruto sarcastically replied.

"Fuck you, Brother." Konohamaru growled.

"No thanks, I'm not in to having sex with fat fuckin' chickens."

That was the straw that broke the camel's back, as they say. Konohamaru shot up from his chair. "This is why no one visits you anymore, Naruto. You're such a jerk to everyone. Happy fucking birthday, asshole." Konohamaru was gone in a swirl of smoke.

Naruto sighed and ran a hand through his unwashed hair and picked the scroll back up. He read the contents once more before crumpling the whole thing up and tossing it into the trash bin. "This better be worth the trouble." He muttered and unlocked the brakes on the main wheels of his chair.

Naruto was going to see the Hokage, as per request.

As he wheeled himself out the door and into the chill air and warm sun of the morning hour, he grumbled. "Doesn't that bastard Hokage know today's a goddamn holiday? The death of the Fourth Hokage ring any bells? Asshole should show some respect for the dead…"

* * *

"…and you should have sent Konohamaru to the monument with some roses or something, not to my goddamn doorstep with a goddamn scroll!" 

The Hokage gave him a curious look. "You know Naruto, would you believe it if I told you that actually was Konohamaru's first errand of the day?"

Naruto stared at him and asked, seemingly out of nowhere. "Were the roses orange, by any chance?"

The Hokage nodded his head. "Actually… yes, they were. How did you know that?"

Naruto now understood the funny looks Konohamaru had been shooting his center piece of roses. _Orange_ roses. Holy shit. "Oh, uh, no reason."

"_Riiight_. Anyways Naruto, I'm sorry to call you in like this, believe you me, but we've got something of a situation on our hands."

Naruto frowned. "And this involves me, _how_?" But before the Hokage could answer, Naruto had figured it out for himself. "Oh shit. Oh _shiiiiiiiit_."

The Hokage sighed. "Yeah. That about sums it up."

Naruto groaned. "Sasuke, please tell me you're joking."

The dark haired Hokage pulled out a gaily decorated birthday card and handed it solemnly to Naruto, who took it and flipped it open, only to stare at it in disbelief. "Well I'll be damned." He said at length, looking up from the card to Lord Bastard. "Those dicks have a sense of humor after all."

* * *

_Dear Naruto,_

_Happy Birthday! _

_I'm sorry we don't have any cake for you, but we hope you'll enjoy your present all the same. I hope you'll forgive us for not wrapping it, but we didn't have enough paper. Here's a hint as to your gift: It's red, angry, and wants to use your intestines to floss its teeth._

_Cheers,_

_The Akatsuki.

* * *

_

"They weren't half as affectionate in the missive they sent me." Remarked Sasuke, who passed said missive to Naruto as well. Indeed, the only similarity between the two was that they were both written in blood. Cheerful touch, that.

Sasuke's scroll bore a simple sentence and no signature. _Beware the nine banners of hell._

"They're on their way here now." Naruto said, stunned. The dark eyed Hokage nodded, intertwining his hands beneath his chin, elbows on his desk.

"The fox has been sighted south of here. It's going to hit, today."

"ETA?"

"Two PM. Exactly six hours from now and it will be right on top of us."

"Oh…"

* * *

"…shit." Cursed Naruto as he caught sight of a massive, familiar face.

* * *

The seals were set by sweaty, if steady hands, and thus Death walked the earth once again, his chains reaching out to bind the red demon back to its mortal prison of bone, blood, and blond hair. But the fox was not one to fall for the same trick twice, and resisted with claws of crimson chakra and nine mile-long tails. And so it was that even Death could no longer claim dominancy over the hell-spawned fox-like creature, and was forced to take… alternative measures. 

Those previously steady hands fell limp, as soulless and dead as the blond they belonged to.

_Such is the fate of a one trick pony.

* * *

_

**(Author's Notes)**

Thanks for reading! Im lazy and selfish, like most good authors, so if you flatter me with reviews I'll update a lot faster, lawl. A few hints as to what's next (because the

Next chapter' section below is vague and confusing if you're not me): Naruto, Naruto, Kyuubi, Iruka, Mizuki, and mental pain.

_**Next Chapter**__: Wet From Birth_

_With chapter one out of the way, the story finally has the opportunity to really kick off! Naruto's confusion mounts as every step he takes towards clarity provides him with questions, not answers. Reborn both without a body and within his body, will Naruto finally make peace with his past? Eh, Not bloody likely. But that's what makes it fun. And have a much higher word count. SO YEAH, CHAPTER TWO! FUCKING YES. PUT THIS STORY ON YOUR FAVORITES REVIEW ALERT SHIT SO YOU CAN READ IT. BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BECAUSE I SAY SO. IT MUST BE TRUE! To think anything but is nothing less than ignorance at this point. _

Suggestions? Comments? Love it, like it, want to wake it up while it's sleeping by sticking your fingers in it's mouth? Tell me all and nothing, just review. You can type SDLIFSLDFJ MUDKIPS for all I care, im not fucking picky.

Until next time,  
-Dezy-X29


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